lest we forget

last night i asked you if it was best not so see each other as much as we can. i am a little bit overwhelmed with how much has taken place during the past month and fear that i will be left floating around unknown territory and be lost again. i was mumbling about being straight, totally predictable and calculated. most of my life is spent harnessing spontaneity, losing myself and letting my fears, my inhibitions surface. i realize now, in this precarious situation of love, that i am not as daring as i thought i was. i am afraid to jump and be taken, and leave everything behind. in return you tell me how much you want to escape the predictability of your life, the calculated take-offs and landings, supposedly precise to the last second. but even you know that your flights are sometimes delayed. so nothing is ever precise. all are but subject to change
i wonder how much more we can carry on? we knew this was an illusion, shall we take it to reality? or let it linger here in this parallel drop-out place in the universe? i am as stuck on you as you are stuck on me. i am torn by the notion of living anew and staying where i am, going deeper even further away from the warmth human interaction. i cannot complain, i've always wanted to be where i am right now. so i fear being taken away for some unreliable future. i said two nights ago that everything is a temporary situation but how much of it am i ready to let go.
i dreamt of a big orchestra pit, with manila bay in the background. the sound of cellos and one hundred violins vibrating through the old wooden acoustic surroundings. and then i was running around again as some other person.