Fired up again, maybe...I hope

After the strongest typhon in ten years, aptly named Milenyo, struck us last week leaving a blackout in the whole Luzon grid, devastated homes, uprooted trees and a panicking lull in the normalcy of our everyday lives–seems like we can start again. Last Friday was a true test of my psychological landscape, having to deal with the fact that everything I planned for this day turned out impossible to achieve. the most mundane of them is using a blender, chilling my tsatsiki and cold beer. All because electricity was out for more than 48 hours! our disco night failed. a bag of ice was nowhere to be found, and news came that electricity will come on Sunday afternoon. Are you kidding me? why not tell me to die instead! Crying and sometimes holding back my tears and panic, all suddenly fell in place as soon as sun went down with a blanket of darkness where I lived. Green Papaya was "romantically" lit by candles and we were desperately trying to chill beers with ice from the night before. Yason came with two blocks of ice, so sweet. As if my physical landscape echoed the deep darkness that I have been feeling this whole year of turning 27, there was no escaping my emotional and psychological state. deal with it seems. what to do with this, huh?! when i hit my head on the floor last summer I decided not to kill myself because i dont have the guts to and because there seemed to this reason to move one, a million reasons.
blessed and cursed at the same time. everytime seemed like this: blessed and cursed. i hate myself for complaining because i have been blessed with so much learning and opportunities. yet at the same time, my newfound knowledge and freedom brought with it little curses. sometimes, dancing and moving just seems impossible then the next day would be an undending flow of inspiration then the next day nothing...words betray my situation, i cannot describe it and pin it down.
yet, we need to move on: there are deadlines to finish, obligations to fill, garbage that need to be taken out, the toilet needs to be clean, i have to go to my dentist and get rid of all this pain.
But last friday, it was the warmth and light that friends brought to join me to in celebrating the end of an old chapter and beginning of a new one. despite, the heat and darkness that enveloped my home and being they were there to light it up. No disco night but we had booze, smoke, good conversations and perverted dreams. what more could i ask for but be surrounded by such dark humor and attitude to life. salamat ha?! at sorry kulang ang beer, next time na lang babawi. Tama ka Jethro, these are things you get to see in the dark. It was good to experience this to be engrossed in total darkness in order to create light and appreciate light that slowly crawls back in. to allow it to crawl back in. Who knows what's in store for me? I dont want to know I just want to be free from my mind.
Power was restored last Saturday night, still some have no power up to today and life hasn't totally been normal. The weather report says that another storm is hitting Bicol at this moment. when it rains it pours! Today, I am ready to go back to the studio and re-affirm and change what I know. I hope that I am not as scared as I was last week, I hope to shed off the fear each day and learn to be comfortable. Still there is dance in my head that keeps on haunting me, every night when I sleep. I hope to give it shape, once I am to mold it in the conventions of our language.
maybe, its about betrayal...