extended periods of waiting

I have been having disturbing visions of a pas de deux and it has been both a source of frustration and relief that I don't have the means to produce it at the moment. A couple understanding the rules of a chess game while struggling to distribute their weight on each other, the balance of power, distributing equal amounts of love, desire, affection, deception, hate and betrayal. Yes, frustrating. If only I had the resources and the space to all to myself to devote days and nights to this single work...

But work beckons: a prospective buyer drops by at Green Papaya asking questions about the market-value of each single piece of art. In the meantime, I answer my best "this is not me but some other person-we need to make money" mode while under my breath I just want to tell him/er that the value that you give anything is the value it has, no need to ask for "expert opinion." Art is as subjective anyway at the end of the day what is important is one that speaks to you even if it chooses to speak in cliches. And so, I am beginning to wonder about the paradox of artist-run initiatives. Yason and I were talking about this for a bit when he dropped by last Monday. We are saddled with administrative,curatorial even janitorial tasks and you begin to wonder where does one get the time to work? There is a kind of balance that I want to learn, if we're keeping up with this. Ultimately, I think though that there is some kind of sacrifice. Or a volunteer system of art enthusiasts/students, genuinely interested in contemporary art practice and development in our country. I must say that the best way to learn about art management and curatorship is become part of its history, in the spaces that strive to create it, in interacting with the artists who make this scene active and dynamic.
Encouraging as it may seem to see some art coverage in Philippine media, it is also disconcerting to find no mention of important young emerging Philippine artists in any of its pages. For example, while Art Almanac 2007 of the Art Asia Pacific mentions Maria Taniguchi as the rising art star in the Philippines, our major dailies for sure has no idea about this. And maybe a good number of art history students currently enrolled in our diploma mill educational system. How funny that the bigger global scene has more insight on local happenings. The now defunct Future Prospects in Cubao was also mentioned as hot spot for Philippine contemporary art. I wonder how much of the 'cool-crowd' who've frequented Cubao X the last two years are aware of the historical significance of this space, now obliterated into history of alternative spaces.
Now, most of us are just waiting or creating future plans for our life. Hopefully, we can figure something our before we're thirty...Maybe some kind of waiting is necessary. Admittedly, the years has become a crazy ride.

Relief that I cannot pursue my current fantasy because personal life has yet to take a back seat. Martin Nachbar says that distanciation is necessary. The privilage of perspective has yet to come. So, what remains is this unbearable haunting of a dance that keeps on playing only in my head...like a soap opera with self-indulgent persistent tears flowing down but going nowhere...