Sunken garden at 3AM

I have never been to the campus at 3AM, unlike other UP students or graduates, I'm must admit that I led a boring college life. I was too busy living out a real life outside campus, attending rehearsals, doing performances, going to openings and seeing how much bigger the world is compared to safe university community. Unlike my classmates, I did not have any org GAs or meetings to attend. Nor did I spend pre and post-exam drinking sessions at Sarah's or Gulod. Except for this one time during my 19thbirthday, the rarest of the occasions I was free and single. Now looking back, I realize that I was too busy planning ahead, much in a hurry to grow up and be an adult and live in the 'real' world (whatever that means). I might have missed out on something because now I don't understand my fascination over adolescent 'things.' I want to re-live my youth while I still have the time and energy to.

Last night, was my first time to see how quiet and re-assuring the vast open space is at 3am. Coming out from "Promises..." performance, I couldn't really tell how I felt after. Aside from the usual exhilirating feeling of adrenalin rush and relief of forgetting oneself for a few hours, a strange sensation lingered in my chest, like a bittersweet aftertaste. After the performance, I recieved an SMS from Ian saying: "COngrats, hindi ko alam kung ma-dedepress ako or what..." Funny as performer I had the exact same feeling. I answered back: "salamat, actually ako rin na-depress ata.." But really, I was after doing it, it was one of the most painful performances I have ever had. I could almost cry but tears fail me these days... So going out to Sunken last night at 3am was good, as if I could cry my heart out there and no one would bother me. I could forget about my fear of intimacy, of communicating, of human interaction and for once say what my heart has been bearing to say. Then I felt the freedom even from my own self. In those brief minutes that you are alone in the world (well not completely alone, I was with a friend drinking beer), you begin not to mind and actually enjoy the solitude and pain of heart aches and broken promises.