relief

came from the doctor today to get my left ear checked. i was almost on the verge of tears as she told me that i wasn't going deaf but would take time for my eardrum to heal itself. i didn't know about this dark alley, i never even thought it existed beyond the stories and vicarious empathy i have learned to take on like a pair of gloves. as i am still in shock and grappling with the reality of that incident i couldn't help but ask myself whether i have some of those 'guts' left to start over. it still a nightmare that haunts me as i take to my bed. the hiss continues, i was advised to listen to white noise to mask the hiss that will be my reality for the next couple of months. while the bruises are starting to heal, i am at a loss where i should begin or let myself disintegrate into the oblivion of pretense.