little girl tantrums

i spent the whole day yesterday recovering from the physical torment of anger. while i observe friends living through their own personal domestic challenge, i thank the sanctuary of my cynicism and karmic lessons. indeed, we have paid a high price to learn from inescapble habits of our past. still, here we are running away from regret. how do i learn to survive and detach from the pain of loss and deception? still, i grapple with my own steps. every now and then that little girl cries, screaming and going into fits of tantrum, flat on the floor, thrashing body on to the hard concrete surface of a marble floor.
i long for the comic relief of my tragedy. like waiting for the bus, i can taste the comic humor that now besets a tragedy endured. who goes through three break-ups in a period of six months? for sure, this telenovela is no unique feat. somewhere out there, someone else shares the perversion i imposed on myself. no one else to blame. not even time, nor God, nor my dreams and illusions. I take responsibility and live with the seed of failure. Inaki Azpillaga said we go to class to teach ourselves how to learn. The same might be true for real life, we teach ourselves to learn from failures and promises of success. No one else to blame, not even the self. For everytime, we fall down flat on our face is an opportunity to start all over again, even if it takes so much courage to not look back I try to in relentless pursuit of that voice calls out in the horizon. Like the voice calling Sal Paradise each time he takes the bus out of the East, heading to the west of his illusions only to arrive there disappointed, underwhelemed but always with a renewed resolve to go back where he started with memories to make his life full.
Evading questions, unable to answer yes or no. I take my time in my pause, in the silence of a beating heart. Boredom comes again but I welcome it with open arms. A friend told me last week, I think we all need to be bored once in a while. Boredom is relief from tantrums and skipping heart.