the past two days with Yoshi

While I have committed to write a blog about the necessity of discursive spaces for contemporary dance in Manila, I must temporarily put this aside and briefly try to illustrate how the past two days of walking with Yoshi in Manila has been...

I always enjoy walking in Manila despite the dust, humidity and funny strange smells that accompanies such strong memories of home. Since moving to the city, seven years ago I have decided to make Manila my home. Though living in Quezon City and not having the guts and energy or vibe to re-locate and build a normal life in the heart of Manila, this place always has special resonance in my being. It is a sanctuary, a playground, a retreat, a place to open up the senses at the same time feel the brown ground that stands on our feet.
After taking our guest artist, Yoshiaki Inatsugi around Manila these past two days, I have regained the same, if not a little of his inspiration and refreshing point of view of my home. I believe this comes at a right time where I feel I am at a crossroads in my life when I know that all the decisions i make now shall define the future direction I must take maybe for the next five years or so. Since this year has arrived, I have been feeling tremendous fear and anxiety over the prospect of the future. Maybe as we become older we become increasingly self conscious. Wondering if we are treading the right path or too involved in our own meaningless angst about the world.
Yesterday, I danced by Pasig River in a white Zara dress, amidst the poverty of the slums of Quinta market. Young boys in shorts, garbage around, flies clinging to our skin and the foul smell of possibly human waste lying somewhere in the dirty river, I danced. And among the few occassions in my dancing life, I didn't mind the idea of entertaining an audience. In fact, I felt a deep sense of satisfaction to bring the dance into the everyday without the pompous setup of a contemporary dance performance/concert maybe at the CCP or even at Green Papaya. No announcements, no self-importance, no build-up nor expectations but simply the idea of being always available and ready to share the embodied experiences of my body. As soon as I started to move, the street kids were mimicking my movements and made effort to ham it up in front of Yoshi's camera. Sometimes, I sat beside "tambays" and just felt the imprint of my body in this space. Of course, I shall never find out if I made a difference in their life. But to offer a surprise and much needed break from the monotony of poverty-stricken lives, I was very happy to share my joy in dancing. I have conquered even my own fear of judgement, for I did not feel judged nor felt defensive knowing the lurking "danger" of being an outsider in the "looban" but was in fact humbled by their wide space of experimentation made available to us at this time. (well, maybe they just didn't care) nevertheless they let us be and did not censor us when they had the "power" to stop us and ask us to leave. It was an amazing experience and I am thankful for this happening now at this time of self-absorbed, road to suicide period in my life. Indeed there is so much to share and so much angst that I should be ashamed of.
Again, I saw my life in this city with the renewed interest of an adventurer, a passing visitor maybe even someone deciding to believe my life. At Divisoria, we asked a man selling textile what he shall miss about Manila, he answered he shall always miss the smell! This particularity is irreplacable. Then, I realized the reality of my imagined fantasies, the superflous, instable basis of memory and nostalgia is shared among others who grew up in this city. Loving it and hating it,

if only all this hate were love,
if only all this love were bread to nourish the hungry stomachs or
impoverished spirit,
if only this hate fed our everyday resolve to live and risk
and decide to live and get by.
if only all this hate opened up spaces to communicate and speak
...
then i would be content with all this hate that fills the spaces inside my bones

(more tomorrow, please let us have one more day of discovery and learning)