bite size pieces of an unfolding puzzle

as i slowly crawl out of an experience i thought would change my life, i realize how much attachment has grown out of habit. i fathom where rebellion found its way. lost in the dreamy memories of the past, i swallow a big lump of relief and wonderment why can i only piece them altogether now? sitting inside the pouring morning september rain, past sensations of waking up and sleeping in haunt me. i put them aside, knowing that this is but the only way. still i wonder if indeed we were in love. if all those kisses, words and exchanges of pregnant silences meant what i thought they meant. or were they all just part of this game that you play so good?
now, i am even more confused at your actions more than ever. you cling on to my head and memory. and i ask you why? but answers never come. you stopped answering. you stopped being like a child. your once innocent and poignant eyes begging for bedazzlment all gone now and receded into the background of jaded resolve. i have watched you turn from bright yellow to pale dark gray. the light slowly escaping your shadow and like all of them you've become part of the wallpaper that you so much hated. it was this hate that drew me to you most of all, the discontent and aspiration for some better quality of life. so unlike the rest who are complacent, lazy and mediocre. to see some expression of life and discontent is so attractive that i've yearn to belong with you. if i have fooled myself in any which way or maybe just drawn by the twisted peace of intoxication, tea and alcohol then all of what has transpired between our bodies must have been my illusion. an illusion i so long waited for.
3 months after, i woke up. disoriented. disappointed and disgusted. no not at you but at myself. for having thrusting myself into the unreliable comfort of lust and desire. now, i yet begin another journey. one that leads out of the momentary glimpse of ecstacy.
you cramp into the space of my dreams. so unbearable. unbearable. endless pounding and banging knock of a clueless stranger. don't offer me your confusion, i'm as confused as you are