expanding and shrinking world

today i realized that the brewing frustration floating just above my head wherever i go is a result of my deep mistrust and unsatisfaction. most of my daydream fantasies in the dance scene consist of endless talks about the idea of dance, the body that is dancing in space, sharing my frustrations and crazy quirks with other dancers. sometimes, it happens over verbal exchanges and sometimes with physical propositions. both an outsider and an insider, i can never be satisfied with one position. each time i try to sink in as an insider, discontent creeps in culminating in a repeated pattern of "i dont want anymore, i quit or this is it." yet, everytime i see myself crawling back in, reconnecting and rekindling lost ties. as an insider i always feel like i want to go out and as an outsider, somewhere in my heart i actually just want to belong.
so, as my personal universe has expanded to include notions, perceptions and concepts that don't necessarily "belong" i only find myself even more alienated. shrinking world. solitude and lonesome. last year at danceweb, what was great about doing it despite the occassional bouts of depression is knowing that in that small corner of the world, you are with colleagues in the same frame of mind, whose 'normal world' may be shrinking just like yours. nevertheless it fuses into other components of your situation and then you create tangential connections. all very organically grown and made sense.
...maybe, now i am just this sore thumb sticking out. or even criticised as someone trying to make things differently. maybe i am, i want to do things differently because i am scared of boring myself. i dont want to dance the same way or do art the same way for the next 15 years of my life. such an ordeal makes me want to quit already, but i know that with the little i have seen in the world that most of it continues to interest me, some of which can be made into dances and some not. but what the hell, we all just try to live our lives. before a dancer, i am a person. before creating dances, i create and make sense of my life. maybe, i am not as sublime as the rest are...